The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
The ManRules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good..)
We always hear 'the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
Motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
To give them a bigger laugh.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good..)
We always hear 'the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered '1'
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
Motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
To give them a bigger laugh.
Idzie sobie kobieta z dwójką dzieci ulicą. Nagle podchodzi do niej jakiś facet i pyta:
- Czy to są pani dzieci?
- Tak - odpowiada kobieta.
- Aha, bliźniaki pewnie...
- Nie, dziewczynka ma 12 lat, chłopiec 7.
Dlaczego myśli pan, że to są bliźniaki?
- Po prostu nie mogę uwierzyć, że ktoś przeleciał panią dwa razy.
- Panie doktorze, mam problem. Członek mi nie staje.
Doktor ujął członka w dłoń i po chwili członek się naprężył.
- Przecież staje!
- No tak, ale nie mam wytrysku!
Doktor poruszał trochę ręką i wytrysk nastąpił.
- No i czego Pan jeszcze chce?
- Buzi.
- Czy to są pani dzieci?
- Tak - odpowiada kobieta.
- Aha, bliźniaki pewnie...
- Nie, dziewczynka ma 12 lat, chłopiec 7.
Dlaczego myśli pan, że to są bliźniaki?
- Po prostu nie mogę uwierzyć, że ktoś przeleciał panią dwa razy.
- Panie doktorze, mam problem. Członek mi nie staje.
Doktor ujął członka w dłoń i po chwili członek się naprężył.
- Przecież staje!
- No tak, ale nie mam wytrysku!
Doktor poruszał trochę ręką i wytrysk nastąpił.
- No i czego Pan jeszcze chce?
- Buzi.
Etapy zycia
Etapy zycia
Ulubiony napój:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 piwo, wino
20-29 wódka
30-39 szkocka
40-59 podwójna szkocka
60 + Biovital
Kobieta:
16-19 Malibu
20-29 Martini
30-39 Czerwone wino
40-59 Dom Perignon
60 + Jack Daniels
Tekst na podryw:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 nie ma moich starych
20-29 nie ma mojej dziewczyny
30-39 nie ma mojej narzeczonej
40-59 nie ma mojej żony
60 + jestem wdowcem
Kobieta:
16-19 słuchasz hip-hopu?
20-29 ile wyciskasz na sztandze?
30-39 masz niezły samochód
40-59 mój trzeci mąż ...
60 + jaką mamy dziś ładną pogodę
Wymarzony partner:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 łatwa, naiwna laska
20-29 dojrzała kobieta
30-39 koleżanka żony
40-59 nastolatka
60+ pilot od telewizora
Kobieta:
16-19 wysoki, przystojny brunet
20-29 brunet z kasą
30-39 facet z kasą i głową
40-59 facet z włosami
60 + facet
Pomyślna randki:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 nie musiałem płacić
20-29 może nie będzie chciała ślubu
30-39 ugotowała dla mnie
40-59 i zostawiła mi na zapas
60+ przeżyłem
Kobieta:
16-19 zapłacił za mnie
20-29 nie opowiadał mi o innych
30-39 przyniósł kwiaty
40-59 ma włosy
60+ ma włosy i zęby
Fantazja:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 seksik z nauczycielką
20-29 wódka
30-39 szkocka
40-59 podwójna szkocka
60 + Biovital
Kobieta:
16-19 wysoki, przystojny brunet
20-29 brunet z kasą
30-39 facet z kasą i głową
40-59 facet z włosami
60 + facet
Sport:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 seksik
20-29 seksik
30-39 seksik
40-59 seksik
60 + seksik
Kobieta:
16-19 zakupy
20-29 zakupy
30-39 zakupy
40-59 zakupy
60 + zakupy
Czas na ślub:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 - w wieku 25 lat
20-29 - w wieku 35 lat
30-39 - w wieku 45 lat
40-59 - w wieku 35 lat
60 + - w wieku 20 lat
Kobieta:
16-19 - natychmiast
20-29 - jeszcze dziś
30-39 - od razu
40-59 - najdalej jutro
60 + - jeszcze przed zmrokiem
Idealny prezent:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 bilety na mecz
20-29 obiecane sztuczki w łóżku
30-39 żona wyjeżdża na 2 tygodnie
40-59 koleżanki córki na urodzinach
60 + program TV
Kobieta:
16-19 CD
20-29 pierścionek
30-39 drogi pierścionek
40-59 samochód, dom
60 + album na zdjęcia
Ulubiony napój:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 piwo, wino
20-29 wódka
30-39 szkocka
40-59 podwójna szkocka
60 + Biovital
Kobieta:
16-19 Malibu
20-29 Martini
30-39 Czerwone wino
40-59 Dom Perignon
60 + Jack Daniels
Tekst na podryw:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 nie ma moich starych
20-29 nie ma mojej dziewczyny
30-39 nie ma mojej narzeczonej
40-59 nie ma mojej żony
60 + jestem wdowcem
Kobieta:
16-19 słuchasz hip-hopu?
20-29 ile wyciskasz na sztandze?
30-39 masz niezły samochód
40-59 mój trzeci mąż ...
60 + jaką mamy dziś ładną pogodę
Wymarzony partner:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 łatwa, naiwna laska
20-29 dojrzała kobieta
30-39 koleżanka żony
40-59 nastolatka
60+ pilot od telewizora
Kobieta:
16-19 wysoki, przystojny brunet
20-29 brunet z kasą
30-39 facet z kasą i głową
40-59 facet z włosami
60 + facet
Pomyślna randki:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 nie musiałem płacić
20-29 może nie będzie chciała ślubu
30-39 ugotowała dla mnie
40-59 i zostawiła mi na zapas
60+ przeżyłem
Kobieta:
16-19 zapłacił za mnie
20-29 nie opowiadał mi o innych
30-39 przyniósł kwiaty
40-59 ma włosy
60+ ma włosy i zęby
Fantazja:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 seksik z nauczycielką
20-29 wódka
30-39 szkocka
40-59 podwójna szkocka
60 + Biovital
Kobieta:
16-19 wysoki, przystojny brunet
20-29 brunet z kasą
30-39 facet z kasą i głową
40-59 facet z włosami
60 + facet
Sport:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 seksik
20-29 seksik
30-39 seksik
40-59 seksik
60 + seksik
Kobieta:
16-19 zakupy
20-29 zakupy
30-39 zakupy
40-59 zakupy
60 + zakupy
Czas na ślub:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 - w wieku 25 lat
20-29 - w wieku 35 lat
30-39 - w wieku 45 lat
40-59 - w wieku 35 lat
60 + - w wieku 20 lat
Kobieta:
16-19 - natychmiast
20-29 - jeszcze dziś
30-39 - od razu
40-59 - najdalej jutro
60 + - jeszcze przed zmrokiem
Idealny prezent:
Mężczyzna:
16-19 bilety na mecz
20-29 obiecane sztuczki w łóżku
30-39 żona wyjeżdża na 2 tygodnie
40-59 koleżanki córki na urodzinach
60 + program TV
Kobieta:
16-19 CD
20-29 pierścionek
30-39 drogi pierścionek
40-59 samochód, dom
60 + album na zdjęcia
nie wróze temu dowcipowi dlugiego zycia tutaj
off-topic przeniesiony do tematu 'bezsensowna klotnia'
http://forums.londynek.net/viewtopic.php?p=19981#19981
http://forums.londynek.net/viewtopic.php?p=19981#19981
na pocieszenie zapraszam do ankiety
http://forums.londynek.net/viewtopic.ph ... highlight=
http://forums.londynek.net/viewtopic.ph ... highlight=
Był sobie ksiądz i pewnego dnia przechadzając sie odnalazł gadającą żabe która poprosiła go żeby nią sie zaopiekował bo jest zakleta przez złego czarownika. Tak więc ksiądz przygarnął ją karmił ją ,mył ją a nawet z nią spał w jednym łóżku.Pewnego dnia czar znikl i żaba okazala sie 9 letnim ministrantem
- I taka jest moja wersja wysoki sądzie!!!
- I taka jest moja wersja wysoki sądzie!!!
Kto jest online
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