>Dowcipy< Popraw sobie humor.
(W związku z rocznicą WW2 i "sojuszu"wojskowego z Wielką Brytanią)
Wiecie ile biegów ma angielski czołg?
Cztery do tyłu i jeden do przodu na wypadek gdyby wróg zaszedł od tyłu.......
Wiecie ile biegów ma angielski czołg?
Cztery do tyłu i jeden do przodu na wypadek gdyby wróg zaszedł od tyłu.......
Re: >Dowcipy< Popraw sobie humor.
Gonzo pisze:(W związku z rocznicą WW2 i "sojuszu"wojskowego z Wielką Brytanią)
Wiecie ile biegów ma angielski czołg?
Cztery do tyłu i jeden do przodu na wypadek gdyby wróg zaszedł od tyłu.......
Jak najlatwiej zatrzymac polska kawalerie? Wylaczyc karuzele.
Dwóch Anglików rozmawia ze sobą.
- Look she eat!
- Shit?
- No ,no shit, fish and chips!
http://www.smog.pl/wideo/9829/cala_prawda_o_anglikach/
- Look she eat!
- Shit?
- No ,no shit, fish and chips!
http://www.smog.pl/wideo/9829/cala_prawda_o_anglikach/
Gdyby czas płynął w drugą stronę to byłoby tak pięknie...
Zaczyna się od tego, ze kilku gości przynosi Cię w "skrzyneczce" i
oczywiście od razu trafiasz na imprezę. Żyjesz sobie spokojnie jako
starzec w domku. Stajesz się coraz młodszy. Pewnego dnia dostajesz
odprawę w postaci grubszej gotówki i idziesz do pracy. He!
Pracujesz jakieś 40 lat i poznajesz uroki życia. Zaczynasz pić coraz więcej
alkoholu,coraz częściej chodzisz na imprezy no i coraz częściej uprawiasz
seksik.Jak już masz to opanowane, jesteś gotów żeby trafić na studia.
Potem idziesz do szkoły. Coraz mniej od Ciebie wymagają, masz coraz
więcej czasu na zabawę. Robisz się coraz mniejszy, aż trafiasz do... hmm,
gdzie pływasz sobie przez 9 miesięcy wsłuchując się w uspokajający rytm
bicia serca.
A potem nagle bęc Twoje życie kończy się orgazmem...
Zaczyna się od tego, ze kilku gości przynosi Cię w "skrzyneczce" i
oczywiście od razu trafiasz na imprezę. Żyjesz sobie spokojnie jako
starzec w domku. Stajesz się coraz młodszy. Pewnego dnia dostajesz
odprawę w postaci grubszej gotówki i idziesz do pracy. He!
Pracujesz jakieś 40 lat i poznajesz uroki życia. Zaczynasz pić coraz więcej
alkoholu,coraz częściej chodzisz na imprezy no i coraz częściej uprawiasz
seksik.Jak już masz to opanowane, jesteś gotów żeby trafić na studia.
Potem idziesz do szkoły. Coraz mniej od Ciebie wymagają, masz coraz
więcej czasu na zabawę. Robisz się coraz mniejszy, aż trafiasz do... hmm,
gdzie pływasz sobie przez 9 miesięcy wsłuchując się w uspokajający rytm
bicia serca.
A potem nagle bęc Twoje życie kończy się orgazmem...
W pewnym miescie powstal sklep, w którym kazda kobieta mogla
sobie kupic meza. Mial szesc pieter, a jakosc facetów rosla wraz z kazdym pietrem. Byl tylko jeden haczyk: jak juz kobieta weszla na wyzsze pietro, nie mogla zejsc nizej, chyba ze prosto do wyjscia bez mozliwosci powrotu.
Wchodzi wiec tam pewna babka powaznie zainteresowana kupnem meza.
Na pierwszym pietrze wisi tabliczka: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace". To juz cos, mój byly nawet roboty nie mial -pomyslala kobieta - ale zobacze, co
jest wyzej.
Na drugim pietrze byl napis: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace i kochaja dzieci". Milo, ale zobaczymy, co jest wyzej.
Na trzecim pietrze byla tabliczka: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace,kochaja dzieci i sa niesamowicie przystojni" No, coraz lepiej - pomyslala - ale wyzej, to musi byc juz [piii...].
Na czwartym pietrze mozna bylo przeczytac: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace,
kochaja dzieci, sa niesamowicie przystojni i pomagaja przy pracach domowych" Slodko, slodko... Ale chyba wejde pietro wyzej.
Na piatym pietrze stalo: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace, kochaja, sa niesamowicie przystojni, pomagaja przy pracach domowych i sa diabelnie
dobrzy w lózku" No niesamowite, wrecz cudownie- pomyslala kobieta - ale
jak tu jest tak wspaniale, to co musi byc pietro wyzej!?!
Na szóstym pietrze BARDZO zdziwiona kobieta przeczytala: "Na tym
pietrze nie ma zadnych facetów. Zostalo ono stworzone tylko po to, aby
udowodnic, ze wam babom za cholere nie mozna dogodzic!!!"
sobie kupic meza. Mial szesc pieter, a jakosc facetów rosla wraz z kazdym pietrem. Byl tylko jeden haczyk: jak juz kobieta weszla na wyzsze pietro, nie mogla zejsc nizej, chyba ze prosto do wyjscia bez mozliwosci powrotu.
Wchodzi wiec tam pewna babka powaznie zainteresowana kupnem meza.
Na pierwszym pietrze wisi tabliczka: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace". To juz cos, mój byly nawet roboty nie mial -pomyslala kobieta - ale zobacze, co
jest wyzej.
Na drugim pietrze byl napis: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace i kochaja dzieci". Milo, ale zobaczymy, co jest wyzej.
Na trzecim pietrze byla tabliczka: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace,kochaja dzieci i sa niesamowicie przystojni" No, coraz lepiej - pomyslala - ale wyzej, to musi byc juz [piii...].
Na czwartym pietrze mozna bylo przeczytac: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace,
kochaja dzieci, sa niesamowicie przystojni i pomagaja przy pracach domowych" Slodko, slodko... Ale chyba wejde pietro wyzej.
Na piatym pietrze stalo: "Mezczyzni tutaj maja prace, kochaja, sa niesamowicie przystojni, pomagaja przy pracach domowych i sa diabelnie
dobrzy w lózku" No niesamowite, wrecz cudownie- pomyslala kobieta - ale
jak tu jest tak wspaniale, to co musi byc pietro wyzej!?!
Na szóstym pietrze BARDZO zdziwiona kobieta przeczytala: "Na tym
pietrze nie ma zadnych facetów. Zostalo ono stworzone tylko po to, aby
udowodnic, ze wam babom za cholere nie mozna dogodzic!!!"
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the (!) most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the (!) most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Swearing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe
5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.
Dear Mrs. Murry,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO
Re: Complaints
15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Dear Mrs. Murry,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO
Re: Complaints
15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!
And; last, but not least!
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Prosze Państwa!
Mamy niewątpliwą, głęboką przyjemność,
zaprezentować Państwu dzisiaj,
REWELACYJNY nini słownik angielsko-polski,
który zamierzamy rozdawać od jutra BEZPŁATNIE,
wszystkim pasażerą samolotów i autobusów,
które opuszczają Polske o 8.15..
MINI SŁOWNIK POLSKO-ANGIELSKI
Are you Polish? - Czy palisz?
Are you virgin? - Czy jesteś ze stanu Virginia?
Are you o'kay? - Czy lubi pan hokej?
Are you married? - Czy to ty, Mary?
How much is it? - Ile much tu jest?
Is there a room? - Czy jest rum?
Fuck you - dziękuję
Thank you - Odchrzań się
Teardrops - Tir z dropsami
closed - klozet
Mamy niewątpliwą, głęboką przyjemność,
zaprezentować Państwu dzisiaj,
REWELACYJNY nini słownik angielsko-polski,
który zamierzamy rozdawać od jutra BEZPŁATNIE,
wszystkim pasażerą samolotów i autobusów,
które opuszczają Polske o 8.15..
MINI SŁOWNIK POLSKO-ANGIELSKI
Are you Polish? - Czy palisz?
Are you virgin? - Czy jesteś ze stanu Virginia?
Are you o'kay? - Czy lubi pan hokej?
Are you married? - Czy to ty, Mary?
How much is it? - Ile much tu jest?
Is there a room? - Czy jest rum?
Fuck you - dziękuję
Thank you - Odchrzań się
Teardrops - Tir z dropsami
closed - klozet
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